Full of a basic and absolute fear I’m unable to sleep. It is 12:30am but I can’t clear or empty my mind of this feeling of being a total abject failure. I don’t know what’s happening. My life is so meaningless and I want to cry. I want to scream. I need someone to help me not feel so near the bottom of everything. Why are there millions of happy people out there whom I never ever come into contact with. I forever walk through life alone without a feeling of hope. I can’t live this way. I can’t live anymore. It feels cruel to have been forgotten overlooked and underjoyed. What can I do tomorrow that I haven’t already tried since forever. I’m not pouring endless amounts of alcohol down my neck either. I just don’t understand what it is all for? Nothing positive is happening. It feels like I am back in 2007. I don’t want to be back in the past. My life isn’t going forward at all. I can recall all the points in the last several years when I’ve felt any worth. I return to this: laying in bed without seeing any route but a hole groaning ahead of every feasible step? Why is it like this? Where is my joy? I hate everything I’ve done to myself. I just need a change soon otherwise what is the point? I am bored of me. An appointment I have on the 7th is too far away. I’m dying daily from the agony of emptiness. Please, please tell me why I can’t do anything meaningful? Nothing seems to be special anymore. It’s just waking waiting to return to unconsciousness again. I’m bland, fat, bald, ugly and totally pointless. Please death just take me; it would be easier not to feel a total waste. I’ve no hopes or dreams. I’m a loner. Save me from draining away like an inefficient battery. My senses are numb. Who can I blame but myself?