I am slowly building up to explode. I feel like the answer I have been waiting for is ready to present itself to me. I sense it is a final and certain destiny. It’s just beyond me now, but I feel like it’s in me. Some explosion of angst and frustration that means all I’ve lived for in 39 years is stoking the furnace of confusion and muddle. Every time I sit in company or near company I begin to panic that I will wobble and deflate in a stare or glance. Only today in Waitrose I couldn’t act normally or inhesitantly when purchasing my few items: 2 mozzarella, cherry tomatoes, Maldon salt crystals and discounted sausages. Some guilt was on my face: like I was using a stolen credit card to purchase these items. I couldn’t look convincingly into the cashiers eyes. I felt weighted down by manifestations of guilt. I’m surprised I wasn’t also blushing. Blushing for my poultry fayre? I absolutely have no idea. I feel almost that the person I am facing might catch me in this slide towards the blinking realization I feel coming. My insight about the sheer futility that we humans are becoming. I am squirming against this overt flaw and my role in making us change our patterns to the forces and currents that pull us toward doom. Only yesterday I wanted to shout and point and gesture and contradict the need for the conformity some retiree English teacher was forsoothing in a creative writing workshop. I felt that his structured outline of meter, feet, stanza, iambic fecking pentameter, trokian, etc was counter productive to the persons present. We spent 2 hours in what essentially was a poetry mechanics lesson. He had a snow plough of theory and nothing would budge him in his tirade. By issuing us with carboncopies of Shakespeare, Keats and Wordsworth and getting us to mark all the stressed words in all the texts following his ‘rules’ and I just wanted him to see that it wasn’t important. Please just shut up old derelict man with your dialectical drivel. But I seethed in silence in that holy church the meeting was being held. I have always been polite and silent against this stance of arrogant ‘I told you so’ and ‘I know more than you’ forever. It’s outrageous to have to listen to this form and function of indoctrination every single day. It’s dementing and insane that all individual effort is nothing against this absolute zero.